Well, not really but I just spent the last half hour watching two does and their fawns (no spots - they were from spring) eat grass in the back yard of my boss's place. They were really cute and less than a hundred feet away so I got some neat pictures. Good thing I always carry my digicam with me. No snow though - a fact which has me rather miffed.
It is a strange fact but true but I LOVE winter and snow - the more snow the better in my opinion. People always used to say that I wouldn't feel that way if I had to drive in it but driving in it doesn't change my mind. I hate winters like right now when it is cold and grey and just so... blah and muddy out. The only colors are grey, mud brown, bark, and green from grass and pines. Really... UGH. Looking outside is a good way to get depressed though I imagine the animals are using this as a last minute chance to get some good meals in. I much prefer at LEAST 6in-1 foot of snow on the ground from Thanksgiving til the beginning of March. That way everything looks fresh, clean, and gorgeous and I don't feel the cold quite as much. I get colder easier than anyone alive which is what makes it all a paradox. I think my favorite time in winter besides Christmas is right after a BIG snowstorm when the wind isn't blowing and the snow is all over every branch and leaf so the trees and bushes look like lace and the snow is a thick untouched blanket on the ground. And, it's so quiet. Nothing is as quiet as a forest after a snowstorm. I keep getting miffed at the weatherman cause he's predicted big storms and we have yet to have a REALLY good storm that puts down more than 4 inches. So, even though we've had snow I MISS snow and I want it bad, darn it! I want a white Christmas instead of a grey one.
My love of snow does not mean that I will not thouroughly enjoy going to LA in Jan 6-14th for my bday where it is warm - if you call 60s warm and I will considering what Ohio is like in January. I shall be running around Disneyland and think of everyone back home freezing their butts off and let out an evil laugh. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. It will be especially sweet if Cleveland really gets dumped on then because I shall be able to call Mom and gloat. Of course, if that happens I won't be in Cleveland to take snowy picture but, c'est la vie.
I also really want snow the weekend of Jan 16th. That weekend my family and my two best friends are going camping in the Allegany Mts in cabins and it would REALLY stink not to be able to go sledding and such. Plus Christina, Ken, and I have a cabin which we shall be sharing with Samantha my Golden Girl (no she's not a geriatric case she's just blonde with a feathery tail). In our old Star Trek show Ken made me the Dead Uniform - you know the Redshirt that gets killed 5 min in. Well, I'm taking my lappie and mic with me even though I won't have a net connection and I shall be making him and Chris be Dead Uniforms and record various death screams! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Yes! Evil laugh! MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Those of you in Gaia's cast know exactly which episodes I'm talking about.
Speaking of Gaia. Gaia 4 is 95% done. I'll be finishing it off and then recording a commentary in the next few days with one of the new big actors joining the cast. I am much looking forward to that. Then I have to start work on Gaia 5 and slay any actors who haven't finished getting me in the second halves of their lines.
I have also gotten back into World of Warcraft. I mixed 12 hours straight on Saturday and 6 straight on Sunday and so spent about 6 HOURS installing and updating WoW on my computer and spent a delightful day yesterday just defrying my brain playing. I'm the Blood Elf Huntress Ombria on the Moonguard server if anyone cares to say hi. After how hard and draining last week was and burning through mixing most of last weekend I just couldn't face mixing another scene so I went and started shooting arrows into things and slaying monsters. I actually found some really good RP in the city of Silvermoon which surprised me since WoW isn't known for its RP but as I walked through the city there were people RPing in character all over. Dance of joy!
I think I'm going to let myself have at least an hour or two a day no matter how busy my mixing schedule is to play just to keep myself sane these next few months. I am going to be a complete mad woman by the time Gaia 6 is done.
Heh. If anyone is good with mixing and is interested in being an assisstant mixer please get ahold of me, eh? I could use the help, I'm thinking. Gaia's just so bloody huge. My own fault, I know. Though I usually blame the muse and say it ran away with me. LOL. Kristy and Rene are no help in that department cause when we get together ideas tend to expand and multiple like plagues of locusts! Those of you who are writers will understand.
Next week is also going to be nuts because it will be the week before Christmas and I shall be having to pester my Gaia cast for Ep 6 lines so I have as many as possible and am not going insane with worry while trying to pack for LA. Yorkieman lines are due the end of the month too but I'm not too worried about that. Most of the cast has already gotten me their lines and of the other two co-stars one is INSANELY good about getting his lines in *cough cough David - I am still half expecting an elephant to trumpet while you do your lines, BTW* and I hear good things about the other and he knows I will shoot him and find devious ways to cut off his ponytail if he is late *cough cough Stevie*. And, of course there's my lines but that's all good.
Anyway, it's about time to get home and finish Gaia 4 so I can dive back into WoW! Heee! BTW if you read this blog become a watcher eh so I know who ya are!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
And I'm Up!
Well, one of the problems with crashing right around dinnertime is that you wake up at 4AM like I just did. Well, some might call it a problem but it isn't really. It just means that my sleep schedule is out of whack a bit and I'll be knackered as the Brits say about dinnertime tomorrow - or tonight I should say. But that's okay. I can stay up a bit or take a short nap after work no problem.
I am a night owl, really. My normal sleep schedule is to stay up all night and go to sleep with the dawn. That's mainly so because there really is nothing much to do around here - especially because I don't have my own car and can't easily drive places so I usually end up spending lots of time on my laptop. I actually do not have any friends in my home town where I can just go and hang out. I was teased a lot as a kid here and that made me more isolated and I turned to books and animals. It also made me not a big chatterbox IRL. I know some who might read this would be shocked at that considering online I chat with anyone and everyone but it's true. Normally I'm the quiet one with the book or laptop who minds her own business. I think it's because I'm much older than most of the students, it's the way of most people to mind their own business, and I just don't relate too well to most of them - interests so different and all.
It was only when I went away to school in Edinboro PA about 6 years ago now that I made my first group of true friends. IRL I don't make friends easily but when I make them they tend to stick. Some of you have met one of them - Christina. She's part of my cast in Gaia. She plays Clematis AKA Gimpy. Gimpy is actually her nickname IRL cause she keeps having to use crutches and getting into trouble. I dragged her into the VA world and she's actually doing pretty good when she does Gimpy's voice without passing out! There's also Ken Arnold who I tried to drag into our world but it didn't quite work out. He's the neurotic but very creative actor/Broadway encyclopedia. Oh and the Star Trek encyclopedia too. And there's Traci - the more than slightly loopy music major who wants to marry the Steelers quarterback. And there's me. There used to be two other big additions to the group but life happened and they sort of went on their own ways.
We all had our own Star Trek show once. I don't mean an audiodrama but our own show. Ken and Herman (one who went his own way but who knew EVERYONE in the Star Trek universe from doing convention security) dreamt up a Star Trek show and Herman actually told Kate and Roxann about it and for awhile things seemed REALLY cool. We would all get together at lunch and plan all sorts of things and talk about episodes and such - you all who have their own shows know how it is. And we'd never know what Herman would come up with next. It was a fantastic time that really changed my life simply because I had never had those sort of friends before - you know, the type that will stand by you no matter what. Our show fell through, of course, but it was an incredible ride.
And now, I'm the one with the show - well three of them though I only write Little Moccasin Foot - and I'm going off to LA. It's kind of funny really. We always thought it would be Ken who would do it but I stumbled over Defiant at Pendant and one thing led to another and now, here I am with my own shows and cast of fantastic actors - Gaia and Yorkieman are a dream team and THANK YOU ALL! In my spare time I get to play in outer space and now the Moors of Yorkshire and Fairyland. Pretty damn cool! I never get over the thrill of hearing people bring my characters and stories to life. Gaia's the prime example since Yorkieman lines are JUST starting to come in. I'm mixing Gaia 4 right now and my cast literally DOUBLES in this episode with some fantastic people. I tend to say fantastic a lot but it's true. You'll hear me go on at length about the newcomers eventually but I'm not now cause it'll be spoilers but you'll want to listen at the end of the month. Gaia 4 is where the story REALLY begins.
But orginally this blog was going to be about 4AM. I kind of got off topic didn't I? I actually really like the early morning hours. I have some good friends who are often on this time (at the moment who are asleep for a change), a feisty puppy and a sweet kitty (who is curled up at my feet), and... it's quiet. My family is asleep and it's just me in the house and I can relax. Most of the world sleeps and if you go outside and look up you can hear the stars sing. It's just a more peaceful time. I'll probably start missing it when I get out of Cleveland and out to LA. I don't mean LA just for my quick visit but LA to live. I hope to graduate (FINALLY) from college this spring and California is a good place for Grad anthropology programs. UCLA actually has a really good Archaeology Masters and PhD program. And if I get residency then it costs a lot less. So, going to apply at Disney (sell my soul to the Mouse as Rene puts it) and perhaps see if I can substitute teach or what kind of jobs I can get with my Bachelors and if I get a job where I can affoard an apartment with or without a roomie then I'm heading out there ASAP this summer. If I can save up the money I MIGHT even get there in time for the Pendant picnic. So, watch out LA Pendulums! I'm on my way! If I get out there there will probably be much to do and see during the day and I shall have to give up my night owl ways. But, for now, I'll enjoy 4AM.
Time for mixing! Goal for this weekend is to finish Gaia 4 and then torture my two actors who STILL have not gotten me in their Gaia 5 lines!
I am a night owl, really. My normal sleep schedule is to stay up all night and go to sleep with the dawn. That's mainly so because there really is nothing much to do around here - especially because I don't have my own car and can't easily drive places so I usually end up spending lots of time on my laptop. I actually do not have any friends in my home town where I can just go and hang out. I was teased a lot as a kid here and that made me more isolated and I turned to books and animals. It also made me not a big chatterbox IRL. I know some who might read this would be shocked at that considering online I chat with anyone and everyone but it's true. Normally I'm the quiet one with the book or laptop who minds her own business. I think it's because I'm much older than most of the students, it's the way of most people to mind their own business, and I just don't relate too well to most of them - interests so different and all.
It was only when I went away to school in Edinboro PA about 6 years ago now that I made my first group of true friends. IRL I don't make friends easily but when I make them they tend to stick. Some of you have met one of them - Christina. She's part of my cast in Gaia. She plays Clematis AKA Gimpy. Gimpy is actually her nickname IRL cause she keeps having to use crutches and getting into trouble. I dragged her into the VA world and she's actually doing pretty good when she does Gimpy's voice without passing out! There's also Ken Arnold who I tried to drag into our world but it didn't quite work out. He's the neurotic but very creative actor/Broadway encyclopedia. Oh and the Star Trek encyclopedia too. And there's Traci - the more than slightly loopy music major who wants to marry the Steelers quarterback. And there's me. There used to be two other big additions to the group but life happened and they sort of went on their own ways.
We all had our own Star Trek show once. I don't mean an audiodrama but our own show. Ken and Herman (one who went his own way but who knew EVERYONE in the Star Trek universe from doing convention security) dreamt up a Star Trek show and Herman actually told Kate and Roxann about it and for awhile things seemed REALLY cool. We would all get together at lunch and plan all sorts of things and talk about episodes and such - you all who have their own shows know how it is. And we'd never know what Herman would come up with next. It was a fantastic time that really changed my life simply because I had never had those sort of friends before - you know, the type that will stand by you no matter what. Our show fell through, of course, but it was an incredible ride.
And now, I'm the one with the show - well three of them though I only write Little Moccasin Foot - and I'm going off to LA. It's kind of funny really. We always thought it would be Ken who would do it but I stumbled over Defiant at Pendant and one thing led to another and now, here I am with my own shows and cast of fantastic actors - Gaia and Yorkieman are a dream team and THANK YOU ALL! In my spare time I get to play in outer space and now the Moors of Yorkshire and Fairyland. Pretty damn cool! I never get over the thrill of hearing people bring my characters and stories to life. Gaia's the prime example since Yorkieman lines are JUST starting to come in. I'm mixing Gaia 4 right now and my cast literally DOUBLES in this episode with some fantastic people. I tend to say fantastic a lot but it's true. You'll hear me go on at length about the newcomers eventually but I'm not now cause it'll be spoilers but you'll want to listen at the end of the month. Gaia 4 is where the story REALLY begins.
But orginally this blog was going to be about 4AM. I kind of got off topic didn't I? I actually really like the early morning hours. I have some good friends who are often on this time (at the moment who are asleep for a change), a feisty puppy and a sweet kitty (who is curled up at my feet), and... it's quiet. My family is asleep and it's just me in the house and I can relax. Most of the world sleeps and if you go outside and look up you can hear the stars sing. It's just a more peaceful time. I'll probably start missing it when I get out of Cleveland and out to LA. I don't mean LA just for my quick visit but LA to live. I hope to graduate (FINALLY) from college this spring and California is a good place for Grad anthropology programs. UCLA actually has a really good Archaeology Masters and PhD program. And if I get residency then it costs a lot less. So, going to apply at Disney (sell my soul to the Mouse as Rene puts it) and perhaps see if I can substitute teach or what kind of jobs I can get with my Bachelors and if I get a job where I can affoard an apartment with or without a roomie then I'm heading out there ASAP this summer. If I can save up the money I MIGHT even get there in time for the Pendant picnic. So, watch out LA Pendulums! I'm on my way! If I get out there there will probably be much to do and see during the day and I shall have to give up my night owl ways. But, for now, I'll enjoy 4AM.
Time for mixing! Goal for this weekend is to finish Gaia 4 and then torture my two actors who STILL have not gotten me in their Gaia 5 lines!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Home, Done, and Half Dead
Well, I got that blasted Forensics paper and take home final done and turned in JUST under the wire. I never want to hear about the Cleveland Torso Murders again. Oye! It's been one of those weeks that seemed like they never would end. But I got a post card from and voice chatted with David last night so that was VERY nice and left me quite hyper afterwards. I am so dead and drained right now I can barely see straight sincce I have been up close to 30 hours straight and most of that was buried in serial killing reports. But, the semester is done and over with and there's nothing more I can do. I'm just staying up long enough to eat some yucky french fries and drink a diet coke before crawling off to bed to die for at least a few hours. Knowing me I'll probably be up again at midnight or something. I'll probably work on mixing Gaia 4 and inventing innovative ways of killing whoever doesn't get me their Gaia 5 and 6 lines. My goal for this weekend is to get Gaia 4 completely mixed... But NOT until I get some sleep! I would write more but I'm exhausted. If I was a Timelord I think I'd be regenerating right now. Oof!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Goodbye, beautiful
Mary died this morning about two hours or so ago - right before I got to work. I came in and the nurse was there as well as Mr. Starkey's neighbor friend. I kissed her forehead and told her goodbye. And we sat and chatted about things while I held his hand and gave him plenty of hugs. He was holding on real real tight. They were married over sixty years. There was nothing left of her on her little bed.
I'm alright, I think, though of course I'm sad. It's always hardest when the death is sudden and the person isn't ready to go. Mary was, though. I could see it in her eyes on Saturday when I was last here. It's been sad and depressing but I'm happy for her because she's finally free. Her mind died long ago and now her body finally followed her. I would hate to have lived the past ten years as she did. I'm now more worried about Mr. Starkey. Taking care of her is what held him together. I'm not sure what he's going to do now but it's up to me to take care of him. He's sitting in her old chair all quiet and holding it in. I know he must be hurting but all I can do is give him a hug and let him know I'm here.
I'm just sort of numb. Leading up to the death is the hard depressing part for me. Afterwards... well... It's just planning what to do next and moving on. I'm very unlike my mother in some ways. One big way is stress. She stresses out about EVERYTHING. I only stress about what I can change. If there's a problem then I make a plan of action and I deal with it. If I can't do anything I don't worry and just deal with happens and move on til the next problem. Right now, that means getting finals done, being there for him when he needs me, and figuring out when the funeral is - not sure yet. And mixing Gaia. I'm sad... But I'm a release. I don't worry about those who have passed on - they're alright. It's the one left behind who I worry about and can help. Might sound callous but when death is a release then it's not a bad thing. I like to think she's somewhere with her daughter whole and happy again.
In any case, I gotta run to the store and then make him lunch and run a few errands. I have a Christmas present to mail out that I want to make sure gets on time. I'm not at all sure what the rest of today shall bring.
I'm alright, I think, though of course I'm sad. It's always hardest when the death is sudden and the person isn't ready to go. Mary was, though. I could see it in her eyes on Saturday when I was last here. It's been sad and depressing but I'm happy for her because she's finally free. Her mind died long ago and now her body finally followed her. I would hate to have lived the past ten years as she did. I'm now more worried about Mr. Starkey. Taking care of her is what held him together. I'm not sure what he's going to do now but it's up to me to take care of him. He's sitting in her old chair all quiet and holding it in. I know he must be hurting but all I can do is give him a hug and let him know I'm here.
I'm just sort of numb. Leading up to the death is the hard depressing part for me. Afterwards... well... It's just planning what to do next and moving on. I'm very unlike my mother in some ways. One big way is stress. She stresses out about EVERYTHING. I only stress about what I can change. If there's a problem then I make a plan of action and I deal with it. If I can't do anything I don't worry and just deal with happens and move on til the next problem. Right now, that means getting finals done, being there for him when he needs me, and figuring out when the funeral is - not sure yet. And mixing Gaia. I'm sad... But I'm a release. I don't worry about those who have passed on - they're alright. It's the one left behind who I worry about and can help. Might sound callous but when death is a release then it's not a bad thing. I like to think she's somewhere with her daughter whole and happy again.
In any case, I gotta run to the store and then make him lunch and run a few errands. I have a Christmas present to mail out that I want to make sure gets on time. I'm not at all sure what the rest of today shall bring.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Less than a week to live
It's official. Mary only has perhaps 5-6 days to live. I just got to work and she's in a hospital bed in the living room. She told me hello when I kissed her forehead but there's nothing left to her. She stopped eating days ago. I look into her eyes and... well.. you know it's time for her to go. It's the look a beloved old pet gives you when it's time to take them to the vet for the last time. My grandmother said it four years ago. We are kinder to our pets than to our elderly. I know I would not want to continue to live if my mind was completely gone. Her body might be dieing but the real Mary died many years ago.
I wish I'd known her back then. I wish I'd known her when she was still aware and had her memories. She was a wonderful artist. She went to art school and there are pictures she made all over the place. She always was a great cook and made fresh bread. And she doted on her granddaughter - that same granddaughter who does not seem to give a damn to visit her grandmother even on her deathbed. I suppose I can somewhat understand considering it is probably painful to see her this way - it's painful for me and I didn't know her when she was her full self - but... still... I would visit even if it was only to say goodbye and for my grandfather. I know it would mean so much to Mr. Starkey.
It looks like the funeral will most likely be next weekend. I have finals next week and have to be at school Monday and Friday for sure. Luckily, I have no finals scheduled Wednesday in case he needs me. Both tests are Monday and I just have a paper and a take-home final due Friday. Still, most likely any day now she's just going to go to sleep and not wake up.
It does bring back echoes of my grandparents. I wrote about them last time. It was harder last year cause Grandpa wasn't ready to go like Nana was and Mary is. It's harder then. When they are ready to go and death is a release you miss them but you're happy for them too cause they're no longer in any pain. I hope in Heaven she'll be with her daughter and get her memories back. She probably won't remember me cause she never once seemed to recognize me or said my name but, that's alright. She's a very sweet lady and even on her deathbed she's still as beautiful as ever.
I'm more worried about Mr. Starkey. He's taking it hard, I can tell, though he obviously keeps his feelings inside. I hope she doesn't move on until I'm there cause he's really going to need me these next weeks. I can be here any day cept Monday and next Friday. I'll even work on papers here if I need to. I can do it - most of the materials are online anyway. It's going to be different around here without her. He'll still need me for company and shopping but I'm going to miss seeing her rocking away in her little chair.
My family right now is out picking out our Christmas tree. When I get off work I'll be going home to help put it up and revive the Christmas spirit. I think this is the first Christmas I can remember when I haven't been jumping about eager to decorate to the max. I just want to go home, get my finals done, get Gaia mixed, and then curl up and sleep forever. But I suppose that's the time to really go out and do the decorations. I suppose I could really use the twinkly lights, ornaments, and Christmas carols now. The next weeks are going to be really hard and really depressing. It's always hardest for those left behind.
I wish I'd known her back then. I wish I'd known her when she was still aware and had her memories. She was a wonderful artist. She went to art school and there are pictures she made all over the place. She always was a great cook and made fresh bread. And she doted on her granddaughter - that same granddaughter who does not seem to give a damn to visit her grandmother even on her deathbed. I suppose I can somewhat understand considering it is probably painful to see her this way - it's painful for me and I didn't know her when she was her full self - but... still... I would visit even if it was only to say goodbye and for my grandfather. I know it would mean so much to Mr. Starkey.
It looks like the funeral will most likely be next weekend. I have finals next week and have to be at school Monday and Friday for sure. Luckily, I have no finals scheduled Wednesday in case he needs me. Both tests are Monday and I just have a paper and a take-home final due Friday. Still, most likely any day now she's just going to go to sleep and not wake up.
It does bring back echoes of my grandparents. I wrote about them last time. It was harder last year cause Grandpa wasn't ready to go like Nana was and Mary is. It's harder then. When they are ready to go and death is a release you miss them but you're happy for them too cause they're no longer in any pain. I hope in Heaven she'll be with her daughter and get her memories back. She probably won't remember me cause she never once seemed to recognize me or said my name but, that's alright. She's a very sweet lady and even on her deathbed she's still as beautiful as ever.
I'm more worried about Mr. Starkey. He's taking it hard, I can tell, though he obviously keeps his feelings inside. I hope she doesn't move on until I'm there cause he's really going to need me these next weeks. I can be here any day cept Monday and next Friday. I'll even work on papers here if I need to. I can do it - most of the materials are online anyway. It's going to be different around here without her. He'll still need me for company and shopping but I'm going to miss seeing her rocking away in her little chair.
My family right now is out picking out our Christmas tree. When I get off work I'll be going home to help put it up and revive the Christmas spirit. I think this is the first Christmas I can remember when I haven't been jumping about eager to decorate to the max. I just want to go home, get my finals done, get Gaia mixed, and then curl up and sleep forever. But I suppose that's the time to really go out and do the decorations. I suppose I could really use the twinkly lights, ornaments, and Christmas carols now. The next weeks are going to be really hard and really depressing. It's always hardest for those left behind.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Another Christmas shadowed by death
There's no getting around it anymore. Mrs. Starkey is dieing. At this point... I will be very surprised if she makes it to Christmas. I got here about an hour ago to find the nurse here and Mr. Starkey in bed cause he was all dizzy and had been up all night. She was passed out in bed and it was very hard for even me to wake her up. Usually she'll do things for me she wouldn't do for anyone else. She's faded so fast... Just a month and a half ago she was chattering away and I was giving her bubble baths and we would dance across the living room on our way to lunch - she'd even sing a waltz song and we'd twirl about making Mr. Starkey laugh. Now... She just sits in her chair or lies in her bed sleeping or staring into space. She's lost a lot of her balance as well and is not eating well like she used to - that's just in the last two weeks. There's barely anyone at home now. She never talks but she talked enough today to tell the nurse that she was hurting and rubbed at her heart. We gave her tylenol mixed in Ben and Jerry's ice cream. The nurses want to put her in hospice but Mr. Starkey wants her at home. He thinks that with my help he can take care of her. I come by three days a week and clean, make lunch, give her baths, and shop. But every day just gets harder and harder cause they're both just fading away - her the fastest but him too. He's lost a lot of weight and I don't expect him to outlast her long.
The spiritual advisor came by too and talked with him. They're Catholic and I sat on the bed while the lady held Mary's hand and said the Lord's prayer with her and told her that God loved her and felt pain along with her and that it would be over soon. I'm not really a religious person but I think it helped. I looked into her eyes and there was so much pain there - not physical so much but just overall weariness. It was the look you see when you know it's time to let your beloved pet go. She was pretty much saying in her own way that it was time and that she didn't want to stay anymore. I couldn't stay in the room anymore after that. I just had to get out and so I kissed her on the forehead and left along with the spiritual advisor and nurse. They left a few minutes ago and right now I'm halfway to crying myself.
I've only known them six months - since June - but they're like my adoptive grandparents and I'm really all they had. Just Tuesday he told me I was his second best buddy - right behind his wife. I do what I can but this fall and new winter have been harder and harder. Another Christmas overshadowed by death. Last Christmas it was my grandfather. He had health and heart problems all summer but he was in the hospital all Christmas season in REALLY bad shape. Then, a few days before my birthday he died. I was there that day and said my goodbyes but it was clear that he didn't know me. He was so wasted away and just... not there. It was sad cause he was always to hale and hearty and happy. Four years before that it was my grandmother. She smoked all her life and had horrible emphazema so that she had to be on oxygen. She was in the hospital the entire Christmas season and for my birthday. She pulled through that Christmas... but not the next. She went back in the hospital the following year. I had really hoped that she would pull through and stay out of that hospital that year because I wanted one last Christmas with her like we had always had. No luck. And she died a few days before my birthday, ironically, on the same day my Grandpa would die three years later. Now, it's Mrs. Starkey and I'm losing another one.
We're supposed to put our tree up Saturday and decorations. Next week is finals week but... right now... I'm just too tired for Christmas. Never thought I'd say that cause I'm usually the one always in the Christmas spirit and wanting snow. It was me those hard years who really kept those Christmases going. My Mom four years ago was losing her mother and last year my Dad lost his father. Now I'm watching the Starkeys fade away and they haven't had a Christmas in a decade. I'll be putting up the tree and finding a little one for them that we have stored away. But, she's too gone to appreciate it or the presents I want to put under the tree. I think he will but he's so sad cause he knows she's dieing. What's Christmas when you know your wife is dieing and you'll soon be left all alone. Alone except for me, that is.
These Christmases the last five years seem cursed. Someone always seems to die and it just makes me heartsick to watch. I can't remember the last Christmas we had when everyone was really happy. They're all shadowed by the ghosts of who should be there but never will be again and the knowledge that another is fading out - right in the middle of Christmas. I guess it's worse cause they keep going over Christmas. People are supposed to be happy over Christmas. It's just hard to be happy right now. But I'll do my best for him and try to make whatever Christmas they have together as happy as I can. A Christmas tree is called for and cookies and carols and perhaps a bit of misteltoe. Anything to perhaps ease the burden on him and bring him a smile for a short while. But she's fading and it's happening over Christmas all over again and I just... well. I'm just running out of Christmas cheer at the moment. I'll be okay. I'm the strong one and can be strong enough for both of them. But, I'm tired of losing grandparents over Christmas. You're supposed to be happy at Christmas. How can you be happy watching someone you care about fade away... for the third time? I don't know. I'm just rambling on and sending thoughts out into the void, I suppose.
In any case, they're both asleep now and I need to go out in an hour or so and go shopping. I think I'll find her a Christmas present early this year. I'm going to find that Christmas tree and bring it over and set it up with her present. I don't know if she'll be able to unwrap it or understand what it is. But at least she'll have a tree and twinkly lights, presents, ornaments, and carols for a little while. One last Christmas together is all I have to give them. It IS their last and if you can only have one more after being married so long... It should be a really special one. He can't do it. He's not strong enough. But I can. Perhaps it'll be enough.
The spiritual advisor came by too and talked with him. They're Catholic and I sat on the bed while the lady held Mary's hand and said the Lord's prayer with her and told her that God loved her and felt pain along with her and that it would be over soon. I'm not really a religious person but I think it helped. I looked into her eyes and there was so much pain there - not physical so much but just overall weariness. It was the look you see when you know it's time to let your beloved pet go. She was pretty much saying in her own way that it was time and that she didn't want to stay anymore. I couldn't stay in the room anymore after that. I just had to get out and so I kissed her on the forehead and left along with the spiritual advisor and nurse. They left a few minutes ago and right now I'm halfway to crying myself.
I've only known them six months - since June - but they're like my adoptive grandparents and I'm really all they had. Just Tuesday he told me I was his second best buddy - right behind his wife. I do what I can but this fall and new winter have been harder and harder. Another Christmas overshadowed by death. Last Christmas it was my grandfather. He had health and heart problems all summer but he was in the hospital all Christmas season in REALLY bad shape. Then, a few days before my birthday he died. I was there that day and said my goodbyes but it was clear that he didn't know me. He was so wasted away and just... not there. It was sad cause he was always to hale and hearty and happy. Four years before that it was my grandmother. She smoked all her life and had horrible emphazema so that she had to be on oxygen. She was in the hospital the entire Christmas season and for my birthday. She pulled through that Christmas... but not the next. She went back in the hospital the following year. I had really hoped that she would pull through and stay out of that hospital that year because I wanted one last Christmas with her like we had always had. No luck. And she died a few days before my birthday, ironically, on the same day my Grandpa would die three years later. Now, it's Mrs. Starkey and I'm losing another one.
We're supposed to put our tree up Saturday and decorations. Next week is finals week but... right now... I'm just too tired for Christmas. Never thought I'd say that cause I'm usually the one always in the Christmas spirit and wanting snow. It was me those hard years who really kept those Christmases going. My Mom four years ago was losing her mother and last year my Dad lost his father. Now I'm watching the Starkeys fade away and they haven't had a Christmas in a decade. I'll be putting up the tree and finding a little one for them that we have stored away. But, she's too gone to appreciate it or the presents I want to put under the tree. I think he will but he's so sad cause he knows she's dieing. What's Christmas when you know your wife is dieing and you'll soon be left all alone. Alone except for me, that is.
These Christmases the last five years seem cursed. Someone always seems to die and it just makes me heartsick to watch. I can't remember the last Christmas we had when everyone was really happy. They're all shadowed by the ghosts of who should be there but never will be again and the knowledge that another is fading out - right in the middle of Christmas. I guess it's worse cause they keep going over Christmas. People are supposed to be happy over Christmas. It's just hard to be happy right now. But I'll do my best for him and try to make whatever Christmas they have together as happy as I can. A Christmas tree is called for and cookies and carols and perhaps a bit of misteltoe. Anything to perhaps ease the burden on him and bring him a smile for a short while. But she's fading and it's happening over Christmas all over again and I just... well. I'm just running out of Christmas cheer at the moment. I'll be okay. I'm the strong one and can be strong enough for both of them. But, I'm tired of losing grandparents over Christmas. You're supposed to be happy at Christmas. How can you be happy watching someone you care about fade away... for the third time? I don't know. I'm just rambling on and sending thoughts out into the void, I suppose.
In any case, they're both asleep now and I need to go out in an hour or so and go shopping. I think I'll find her a Christmas present early this year. I'm going to find that Christmas tree and bring it over and set it up with her present. I don't know if she'll be able to unwrap it or understand what it is. But at least she'll have a tree and twinkly lights, presents, ornaments, and carols for a little while. One last Christmas together is all I have to give them. It IS their last and if you can only have one more after being married so long... It should be a really special one. He can't do it. He's not strong enough. But I can. Perhaps it'll be enough.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)