Less than a week to live

It's official. Mary only has perhaps 5-6 days to live. I just got to work and she's in a hospital bed in the living room. She told me hello when I kissed her forehead but there's nothing left to her. She stopped eating days ago. I look into her eyes and... well.. you know it's time for her to go. It's the look a beloved old pet gives you when it's time to take them to the vet for the last time. My grandmother said it four years ago. We are kinder to our pets than to our elderly. I know I would not want to continue to live if my mind was completely gone. Her body might be dieing but the real Mary died many years ago.

I wish I'd known her back then. I wish I'd known her when she was still aware and had her memories. She was a wonderful artist. She went to art school and there are pictures she made all over the place. She always was a great cook and made fresh bread. And she doted on her granddaughter - that same granddaughter who does not seem to give a damn to visit her grandmother even on her deathbed. I suppose I can somewhat understand considering it is probably painful to see her this way - it's painful for me and I didn't know her when she was her full self - but... still... I would visit even if it was only to say goodbye and for my grandfather. I know it would mean so much to Mr. Starkey.

It looks like the funeral will most likely be next weekend. I have finals next week and have to be at school Monday and Friday for sure. Luckily, I have no finals scheduled Wednesday in case he needs me. Both tests are Monday and I just have a paper and a take-home final due Friday. Still, most likely any day now she's just going to go to sleep and not wake up.

It does bring back echoes of my grandparents. I wrote about them last time. It was harder last year cause Grandpa wasn't ready to go like Nana was and Mary is. It's harder then. When they are ready to go and death is a release you miss them but you're happy for them too cause they're no longer in any pain. I hope in Heaven she'll be with her daughter and get her memories back. She probably won't remember me cause she never once seemed to recognize me or said my name but, that's alright. She's a very sweet lady and even on her deathbed she's still as beautiful as ever.

I'm more worried about Mr. Starkey. He's taking it hard, I can tell, though he obviously keeps his feelings inside. I hope she doesn't move on until I'm there cause he's really going to need me these next weeks. I can be here any day cept Monday and next Friday. I'll even work on papers here if I need to. I can do it - most of the materials are online anyway. It's going to be different around here without her. He'll still need me for company and shopping but I'm going to miss seeing her rocking away in her little chair.

My family right now is out picking out our Christmas tree. When I get off work I'll be going home to help put it up and revive the Christmas spirit. I think this is the first Christmas I can remember when I haven't been jumping about eager to decorate to the max. I just want to go home, get my finals done, get Gaia mixed, and then curl up and sleep forever. But I suppose that's the time to really go out and do the decorations. I suppose I could really use the twinkly lights, ornaments, and Christmas carols now. The next weeks are going to be really hard and really depressing. It's always hardest for those left behind.