Goodbye, beautiful

Mary died this morning about two hours or so ago - right before I got to work. I came in and the nurse was there as well as Mr. Starkey's neighbor friend. I kissed her forehead and told her goodbye. And we sat and chatted about things while I held his hand and gave him plenty of hugs. He was holding on real real tight. They were married over sixty years. There was nothing left of her on her little bed.

I'm alright, I think, though of course I'm sad. It's always hardest when the death is sudden and the person isn't ready to go. Mary was, though. I could see it in her eyes on Saturday when I was last here. It's been sad and depressing but I'm happy for her because she's finally free. Her mind died long ago and now her body finally followed her. I would hate to have lived the past ten years as she did. I'm now more worried about Mr. Starkey. Taking care of her is what held him together. I'm not sure what he's going to do now but it's up to me to take care of him. He's sitting in her old chair all quiet and holding it in. I know he must be hurting but all I can do is give him a hug and let him know I'm here.

I'm just sort of numb. Leading up to the death is the hard depressing part for me. Afterwards... well... It's just planning what to do next and moving on. I'm very unlike my mother in some ways. One big way is stress. She stresses out about EVERYTHING. I only stress about what I can change. If there's a problem then I make a plan of action and I deal with it. If I can't do anything I don't worry and just deal with happens and move on til the next problem. Right now, that means getting finals done, being there for him when he needs me, and figuring out when the funeral is - not sure yet. And mixing Gaia. I'm sad... But I'm a release. I don't worry about those who have passed on - they're alright. It's the one left behind who I worry about and can help. Might sound callous but when death is a release then it's not a bad thing. I like to think she's somewhere with her daughter whole and happy again.

In any case, I gotta run to the store and then make him lunch and run a few errands. I have a Christmas present to mail out that I want to make sure gets on time. I'm not at all sure what the rest of today shall bring.