Another Christmas shadowed by death

There's no getting around it anymore. Mrs. Starkey is dieing. At this point... I will be very surprised if she makes it to Christmas. I got here about an hour ago to find the nurse here and Mr. Starkey in bed cause he was all dizzy and had been up all night. She was passed out in bed and it was very hard for even me to wake her up. Usually she'll do things for me she wouldn't do for anyone else. She's faded so fast... Just a month and a half ago she was chattering away and I was giving her bubble baths and we would dance across the living room on our way to lunch - she'd even sing a waltz song and we'd twirl about making Mr. Starkey laugh. Now... She just sits in her chair or lies in her bed sleeping or staring into space. She's lost a lot of her balance as well and is not eating well like she used to - that's just in the last two weeks. There's barely anyone at home now. She never talks but she talked enough today to tell the nurse that she was hurting and rubbed at her heart. We gave her tylenol mixed in Ben and Jerry's ice cream. The nurses want to put her in hospice but Mr. Starkey wants her at home. He thinks that with my help he can take care of her. I come by three days a week and clean, make lunch, give her baths, and shop. But every day just gets harder and harder cause they're both just fading away - her the fastest but him too. He's lost a lot of weight and I don't expect him to outlast her long.

The spiritual advisor came by too and talked with him. They're Catholic and I sat on the bed while the lady held Mary's hand and said the Lord's prayer with her and told her that God loved her and felt pain along with her and that it would be over soon. I'm not really a religious person but I think it helped. I looked into her eyes and there was so much pain there - not physical so much but just overall weariness. It was the look you see when you know it's time to let your beloved pet go. She was pretty much saying in her own way that it was time and that she didn't want to stay anymore. I couldn't stay in the room anymore after that. I just had to get out and so I kissed her on the forehead and left along with the spiritual advisor and nurse. They left a few minutes ago and right now I'm halfway to crying myself.

I've only known them six months - since June - but they're like my adoptive grandparents and I'm really all they had. Just Tuesday he told me I was his second best buddy - right behind his wife. I do what I can but this fall and new winter have been harder and harder. Another Christmas overshadowed by death. Last Christmas it was my grandfather. He had health and heart problems all summer but he was in the hospital all Christmas season in REALLY bad shape. Then, a few days before my birthday he died. I was there that day and said my goodbyes but it was clear that he didn't know me. He was so wasted away and just... not there. It was sad cause he was always to hale and hearty and happy. Four years before that it was my grandmother. She smoked all her life and had horrible emphazema so that she had to be on oxygen. She was in the hospital the entire Christmas season and for my birthday. She pulled through that Christmas... but not the next. She went back in the hospital the following year. I had really hoped that she would pull through and stay out of that hospital that year because I wanted one last Christmas with her like we had always had. No luck. And she died a few days before my birthday, ironically, on the same day my Grandpa would die three years later. Now, it's Mrs. Starkey and I'm losing another one.

We're supposed to put our tree up Saturday and decorations. Next week is finals week but... right now... I'm just too tired for Christmas. Never thought I'd say that cause I'm usually the one always in the Christmas spirit and wanting snow. It was me those hard years who really kept those Christmases going. My Mom four years ago was losing her mother and last year my Dad lost his father. Now I'm watching the Starkeys fade away and they haven't had a Christmas in a decade. I'll be putting up the tree and finding a little one for them that we have stored away. But, she's too gone to appreciate it or the presents I want to put under the tree. I think he will but he's so sad cause he knows she's dieing. What's Christmas when you know your wife is dieing and you'll soon be left all alone. Alone except for me, that is.

These Christmases the last five years seem cursed. Someone always seems to die and it just makes me heartsick to watch. I can't remember the last Christmas we had when everyone was really happy. They're all shadowed by the ghosts of who should be there but never will be again and the knowledge that another is fading out - right in the middle of Christmas. I guess it's worse cause they keep going over Christmas. People are supposed to be happy over Christmas. It's just hard to be happy right now. But I'll do my best for him and try to make whatever Christmas they have together as happy as I can. A Christmas tree is called for and cookies and carols and perhaps a bit of misteltoe. Anything to perhaps ease the burden on him and bring him a smile for a short while. But she's fading and it's happening over Christmas all over again and I just... well. I'm just running out of Christmas cheer at the moment. I'll be okay. I'm the strong one and can be strong enough for both of them. But, I'm tired of losing grandparents over Christmas. You're supposed to be happy at Christmas. How can you be happy watching someone you care about fade away... for the third time? I don't know. I'm just rambling on and sending thoughts out into the void, I suppose.

In any case, they're both asleep now and I need to go out in an hour or so and go shopping. I think I'll find her a Christmas present early this year. I'm going to find that Christmas tree and bring it over and set it up with her present. I don't know if she'll be able to unwrap it or understand what it is. But at least she'll have a tree and twinkly lights, presents, ornaments, and carols for a little while. One last Christmas together is all I have to give them. It IS their last and if you can only have one more after being married so long... It should be a really special one. He can't do it. He's not strong enough. But I can. Perhaps it'll be enough.